Dear People Who Will Move into the House Three Away from Ours:
You don’t know you’re moving in yet. Maybe you haven’t even looked at the house. But someday, you’ll decide this is a fine neighborhood to be in and a fine house to own. When you do, I’d like to let you know that you have three ready-made friends coming with it. Not because we’re such good friends with the previous owners…in fact, I probably couldn’t pick them out of a line-up. But THAT’S not because we’re weirdos or unlikeable or anything like that — geez, this is getting off to a bad start.
You see, we’re perfectly nice people. We keep our yard mowed and our trash picked up and don’t do anything else to detract from home values. Husband has been dutifully watering the grass every stupid morning, and so far there are only three yellow patches and one dead plant. I call that dedication to yard work! And YES, the realtor selling the house will be living next door to you…I promise you, this is not as awkward as it sounds. He sold us our house, too, and only dropped in a couple of times in the first few weeks to see how we were doing. He also has a really nice dog. Her name is Kona, but that is irrelevant.
You see, future neighbors, the reason I know we’re going to be such friends is that you have a basketball goal in your driveway. Our house has many fine amenities, but unfortunately a flat, basketball-goal-ready driveway is not one of them. This makes Husband sad, and if we were to become good friends then maybe you wouldn’t mind him shooting hoops in your driveway occasionally. I’d bring over our adorable baby, and maybe some banana bread or cookies. Sound great? Great!